Excessively Random

It was a weeknight, no different than all the others. A friend invited us to a party - some guy's birthday. The place was packed and we couldn't hear what anyone was saying so we danced in our own little corner until he arrived. I was with someone at the time but he was really smooth. I still remember the way he tasted on my lips. The rest of the night was a blur. 

It wasn't until a few months later that I would meet him again. A friend of a friend's graduation party. I ignored him when I walked in, but as the night wore on we got reacquainted. Still as smooth as the night we met. 

We'd meet up every so often. At parties, celebrating. At local haunts to unwind. In speakeasys and watering holes to nurse a broken heart. Sometimes I'd go months without him, forgetting he was there. He was an acquired taste. Other times I'd see him for days until we got tired of each other. It can be too much. 

These days, our meetings have become far and few in between. There are meetings to tend to, adult responsibilities that need to be sorted out.

But every now and then, I come out of hiding and crave for him. So I order my favorite drink.

Thanks for the years spent together Jack Daniels. Can't believe I used to order Mai Tais before I met you.

would be no, not in a million lifetimes.

I have always been scared of heights. My fear was born mostly out of my overactive imagination supplying me with images of a brutal death from falling, the pain of breaking my bones and a fear of being paralyzed (think Me Before You). I have reluctantly explored the caves of Sagada, made it out in one piece, but without my dignity as I ugly cried when we finally emerged. I was so scared I was never getting out of that place alive (I was claustrophobic too, what a great combination of fears to have). I have been on two sky walks, mountain treks with no safety gear and also did a cliff dive even though I barely knew how to swim. I did it all with sweaty palms and almost always on the verge of tears. A friend pointed out that if I was so scared, how come I managed to do all these things. Two words. Peer pressure. 

One afternoon as I was walking down a narrow flight of stairs at my new job, my heel snagged at a loose piece of metal that stuck out and I fell down 8 painful steps. I sprained my ankle but it was nothing serious. 6 months later, I tripped at the parking lot and once again sprained my ankle. As I sat on my wheelchair in Makati Med, I thought to myself that, all my life, I had been extremely cautious and very scared whenever a trip I'm taking involved heights or a risky activity yet I've never been injured in any of those situations. But here I was, coming from an uneventful day at work, sitting on a wheelchair with a sprained ankle. And when people asked why I was in a wheelchair, I had no fascinating story to tell. 

From then on I resolved that If I was going to get a sprained ankle, might as well get a good story out of it. Life was too short and I was shortchanging myself by being afraid instead of living in the moment. 

I took small steps to start facing my fear. I started by going to a wall climbing facility (once), I did a relatively easy mountain trek and then finally decided to go skydiving (what a leap right?). I mean, if I was going to die then free falling at 14,000 feet would have been a good way to go and it would make for a much better story at a funeral. 

I was first introduced to a version of Luis in a funny story recounted by my friend Marien.

photo from Luis' twitter account

Her brothers decided to send off a cockroach into the afterlife with a production. Bathroom lights dimmed, alcohol poured, a match lit - Alex Proyas and Brandon Lee would have found it amusing. I was a little bit jealous that her brothers were so brilliantly (and maybe a little sadistically) funny. 

One day, Marien handed me two books. She told me they were written by her brother and I was too happy because books as random weekday gifts are the best. I got home, opened one of them called the King of Nothing To Do and found a re-telling of the same hilarious anecdote, it never fails to make me laugh. I joked that I should probably get her brother to autograph my two books, but we never really got around to it. 

~

Every so often, I'd read through King of Nothing To Do until I came accross this story that really resonated within me. The story was called "Like Song, Like Weather", a story about a dancer named Lisa. This line stayed with me, "there really is no significant way of telling the dancer from the dance." Why I found this line so compelling, I don't really remember. What I do remember is how at the time, it felt so significant, as if someone found the words I had been struggling to find, arranged them on paper and pinned down what used to be just an abstract idea. That felt like the kind of writer he was.

~

Months later, I found myself in Katipunan at a benefit show that was being held to raise funds for his hospitalization. The place was full. I thought he must have been such a good friend to have all these people show up and pull through for him.

~

I got a copy of Dear Distance. It was my favorite among the three books of his that I had. I finished it in a few nights. It made distance and sadness feel too tangible. The stories perfectly capture the feeling of disconnection from things familiar or new. It felt like isolation.

~

I have never met him. All I knew of him were stories, both from his writing and the occasional anecdote from Marien. He was a great writer. But more than that, he is well-loved. by family, friends and even strangers, who all share a communal sense of loss in varying degrees. 

What's a swap meet? It's a barter of sorts and a really good way to declutter and get rid of things you don't really need with a chance that you get something good in return (if you have amazing friends like mine, you get really interesting things from the swap. I mean who gets Nars and Shu Uemura at a swapmeet? I do!). 

What usually happens at a swap meet? We set a schedule ahead of time and tell our friends what categories we plan to bring. It's usually make-up that doesn't fit our skin type, books and accessories we've outgrown, clothes and shoes that we bought that don't really fit that well, stickers, stationery, recycled gifts that we don't want to throw away. It can be anything as long as it's still functional! It's a fun activity. Just make sure you don't fight with your friends over anything.

I forgot to take a photo of my swap meet loot but I got a nude lipstick, a Mac Illuminator, a new Roxy Swimsuit, Burt's bees toner, a gold necklace and a bunch of rings to name a few.

Our Swap Meet Venue: Todd's English Food Hall

One of the best feelings in the world is when you have people who give you a safe place to be yourself. No questions asked. No judgements passed.

People who have your back even when you don't even know you needed to watch your back. 

To have so many of them in my life is such a blessing. 

I hope you also find your safe place. 

Her comment surprised me because at that moment I felt tired and harrased from the heavy workload and all I wanted to do was sleep. So I asked her why she thought I was enjoying the job so much. She said it was because I was always smiling, which I didn't realize I was doing. 

It got me thinking about the changes I've made in my life the past few months and I realized that it's true when they say that once you "let go of the things that are wrong for you, you give the right things a chance to catch up to you". It doesn't mean that things will be easier, everything worth doing requires hard work, but the effort you put into things and relationships is so much more meaningful when you know in your gut that you are where you're supposed to be.

Is there anything Beyonce can't do?

I was working late. It felt a little weird to go home by myself so I decided to drop by the first floor to see who else I could walk with on the way to the train station. A few minutes later, there I was in the company of strangers and it got me thinking. 

At some point, everyone in my life (except my family) started out as a stranger to me. But I always had this gut feel about who would stay and who I would just be casually acquainted with. And I am rarely wrong about my intuition when it comes to this. Sometimes, I ignore it and end up having friendships end or find myself in questionable circumstances. And this was no futile exercise as it taught me so much.

I've learned to listen to my intuition and filter the people I let in deeply into my life. I'd like to think that I chose them. But often, I am grateful that they chose me. And the biggest reminder was found in the smallest of things during my birthday. This year, I wasn't counting gifts, I wasn't even counting the number of people who remembered (ok, I counted until 10, then after that I didn't care, I was too happy! Lol!), I decided to just be happy that my family and friends gave me their time and their love and it was a gift that can never be bought nor stolen from me. (Oh and by the way, I wasn't really expecting all these surprises for my birthday you guys! :) )

So here are the people I am grateful for. I may have missed out on a few names as I'm very very sleepy