July 21, 2019

Random Thoughts on a winding road

I am currently strapped in on a bus making its way down a mountainside battling gravity. The ride is quite bumpy, with constant twists and sharp turns. The roads are covered in fog and the light darkness of early evening, the headlights pierce through this curtain of invisibility and disappear quickly into the distance. Inside the bus, the curtains are drawn and the space is filled with darkness save for the glow coming from my phone screen which lightly illuminates the sillhouette of the man sitting next to me. I look at him, sleeping soundly from exhaustion at the activities for the past two days. He wasn't quite young anymore, as evidenced by the need for sleep and to spend long hours in bed. But his joy at all the little things in life and his smile reminds me of childlike innocence and the joy of living this life. 

Before him, I dared to hope but never really fully believed it was possible that love would come so easy. That love could be both exhilirating and passionate and so unbelievably calm and right. Before him I didn't know what people meant when they say, home is not a place but a person. But here in this darkness, having him beside me, going down this road with its twists and sharp turns, I have never felt more sure that this was the kind of love that people have always hoped they'd find.

January 15, 2018

Finding My Voice


I always thought, my life, with all the unexpected ups and downs, was exciting, fun, fulfilling and complete. I was perfectly happy with everything I had, more often than not, I also felt content. 

Then he came along and everything I knew changed. It was possible for life to be better - happier.

Being with him feels freeing and easy and effortless. He never doubts, even on the days when I doubt my self. He makes me feel like I am always enough, with all my imperfections. He is more than enough, all of who he is.

In those moments when I don't realize that I have let down my guard, I am vulnerable but he makes my vulnerabilities feel like my greatest strengths. 

He encourages me to speak my mind, tell my truths and I have found my voice again. He did it all slowly, consistently and I never knew what I was missing out on until now.

To be loved in this way is the best feeling in the world. I want him to feel as loved as he makes me feel and I have no idea if I'm doing it right but I love him the best way I know how with the hope that being ourselves would always be enough.

December 01, 2017

Life Update


Life summed up in this photo - filled with color and promise. I have been gone from this blog for a while but in case someone reads this blog regularly (I doubt), life has been good lately. The year was a struggle for a lot of aspects in my life but there were also wonderful and unexpected surprises for which I am grateful for.

One particular surprise involves a person who has completely redefined how I think of relationships. I didn't realize it could be this easy or free. That love could be this kind, patient and accepting. There are so many traumas that are being undone, replaced with his thoughtfulness, kindness and love. I have a long way to go, I am flawed, scarred and scared. But I take tiny steps every day to overcome my fears, always choosing love over fear, following his lead.

December 31, 2016

Into the chaos of a new social setting


Unedited thoughts:

Over the years, I've built a nice little bubble of friends and acquaintances that I float around in. People I trust. People who are dependable and who have, more or less the same values, outlook and principles that I have. It was a nice thing to have, everything that was outside it, I could ignore and I could care less about. Whenever life throws something my way, these are the friends who back me up and shelter me. I don't have to think about what I say, I don't have to care about the way I look or the way I come across. I can make a mistake and they will be there without judgement. They already know me and they know what I've been through. So they understand where I'm coming from. Anything outside of the bubble, I can just ignore and still live my life blissfully.

I decided to step out of that bubble to expand my horizons all for the love of something I found out I was passionate about. It opened up a whole new world that I didn't expect and brought with it a lot of realizations. I realized that staying inside my bubble has reduced my capacity and tolerance for things that are unfamiliar. I didn't know how to make new friends. I didn't know how to adjust to new people whose backgrounds are different from mine. I usually just ignore them or make small talk and go back to my ever dependable circle. But no one from my circle really wants to join me in this and I don't want to be held back just because no one wants to go with me so I do it alone. And there's so much uncertainty and small talk and things I'd forgotten how to do. But I'll do it anyway. Because life isn't always simple and straightforward and these are growing pains that I need to go through because I won't let this passion go.

November 10, 2016

This Two Year Journey

When my ex and I broke up, I wasn't sure what kind of direction I wanted my life to go. I always thought I was going to be married by now because that's just how things progressed. But at the back of my head, there was a small voice that said it wasn't the right time yet. I silenced that voice for years. 

It wasn't until a few months after the break-up that I accepted it. 

Initially I started to go to the gym and go out almost every weekend. I was a woman with a purpose. I was going to get better so I can date as much as I could after being in a relationship with just one guy my entire life. I was going to explore. But that too got boring and tiring and I realized I wasn't a serial dater and I had no idea how to flirt.

So I started to explore experiences instead. I watched plays, went to music gigs and sang at open mic nights. I started trying things I was afraid of. I did a hike, climbed down a cliffsl with no harness and only a string of metal cables to hold on to, I jumped out of a plane at 14,000 feet, I surfed even though I couldn't swim, I got good at boxing, I took plane rides and train rides in a foreign country alone, I can play a few songs fingerstyle with my guitar and now I'm learning to play football.

These are all things I never thought I'd do. They were just things in a list until I decided to wait for no one and do it with or without anyone. And all these things have been rewarding in so many ways. I look back and I can see how far I've come and as for how much further I can go? The road is limitless. I am living a life I want, one that I'm proud of.  

And when I look back, I wonder, what if I resisted change instead of making the best out of the circumstances. I'd probably be married and stuck at home nursing a baby I wasn't ready to have instead of coming home from football practice. Life always works out when you let things unfold and when you chase after the right things. 

I found the quote below when I was newly single. Back then I didn't believe it. All I knew was I wanted to be in love. That life without a relationship was bleak. But right now, this quote rings true for me. 

And maybe one day someone will come along. And they'll be the proverbial icing on the cake. Or maybe they won't. Either way, I am whole and happy and that's all that matters. Life is amazing, the way it unfolds.

October 19, 2016

Football: Love at First Try

It was such a strange feeling to find something that feels so right.  I haven't been this excited since my radio DJ days. 

I've always been intimidated by football. It looked very difficult and required a certain skill set. I was afraid it was something that I might not have the patience for. I was scared to get hit by a ball and even more afraid to be laughed at.

What I didn't count on was enjoying it. I also didn't expect people to be so encouraging and helpful. I thought I would dread drills, i thought I would be embarassed to look like an idiot who knew nothing. Plot twist. I am having so much fun that I started to look forward to Mondays because it means I get to play and to learn. I've been researching videos on how the sport is played, researching on gear, which is something I have not done in years. I cannot say it enough but I'm really enjoying learning about football.

Photo by Easy Football PH, edited in Prisma
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